In an attempt to tame my monkey mind (that's what the Buddhists call the mind that cannot stay still) I attended a guided meditation session yesterday afternoon. A meditation session led by a monk! I had expectations for the class, like being able to tune out everything in my mind and just being in the moment even when there is so much going on around me. But the monk lowered the expectation for me when he said that it takes practice and patience and time.
I have a problem getting my mind to stay still. Someone that I used to know used to find this hard to believe because on the outside I am this cool, calm and collected being, someone who can sit still for long periods of time and only get up when it's absolutely necessary. Also I am not shy, but I only talk when I have something to say, which, come to think of it, is a lot especially with people that I know. But I am also comfortable letting other people around me talk without feeling the need to say anything. These are the times when whatever is being talked about does not concern me at all, or I don't really care about the subject, in which case my silence communicates just that. I believe in voicing my opinion and I do have opinions on everything. I have talked about marrying the person who can quiet my mind, but I now see how heavy such a burden is to load on a person I purport to share my life with, oh and the impossibility of it all!
Anyway, my calm exterior betrays my internal meanderings. Hundreds of thoughts bombard me from every possible direction, each thought demanding my absolute attention. Which I give for a few seconds and before I come to a conclusion, another thought demands my time. Of course, there are moments when my mind is still, but this is when I am on my yoga mat but still these moments require my attention in form of my muscles burning and pulling. So yesterday, with the monk guiding my meditation, I sat still for a prolonged period of time. Of course, there were a few times that my mind would wander and I tried to put it to focus. I was shocked when I realised the meditation was forty(!) minutes long, because it felt like ten. People talked about seeing colours, imagining the sun or the moon above their heads and then floating inside them. I didn't feel any of that. What I felt was a few moments, because I am quite sure they were a few seconds, of stillness. No colours, no moon, no sun, not the voice of the monk, not the mantra that I was repeating.
I left there wanting to relieve that feeling. But I got into a noisy matatu, talked to a friend over coffee then went to watch a film then back to a noisy matatu. I wanted to relieve it today, and in yoga class during shavasana, that moment totally eluded me. The rest of the day hasn't been any different from yesterday. Oh, but how I want to quiet everything down even for a little while.
The title of this post is from the song A Quiet Mind by Blue October.
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